Housecleaning
by r-mak
Summary: Some messes are just too hard to clean up. Woe, darkness, and angst abounds in this RT ficlet.
1. 10:29 AM

**A/N: **I know, I know… I shouldn't be starting another fic when I have two that still need to be completed but in all honesty I have to go where my muse takes me. Also, I know that I'm supposed to be on hiatus (according to my profile) but this fic is finished and since I do have exams and stuff I think I'll post a new chapter of this every week since I don't foresee myself updating any of my other fics until June.

This fic takes place on a Monday but there are flashbacks to other times.

Personally, I really like the way this turned out. I hope you do too.

Let me know what you think.

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**-1-**

**10:29 AM**

She looked around the morgue as she entered it. It was cold, stale, void of any emotion, and it appeared that no living beings were around. She wondered if this was what death was actually like.

"Excuse me ma'am" a voice boomed from behind her, startling her into a jump. She turned around and faced the man. "How can I help you?" he asked. She stared at him, unsure of what to say. She focused on his nametag. His name was John. She opened and closed her mouth several times before another man appeared.

"Are you here to view or identify someone?" the other man asked. According to his nametag, he was Isaac. She nodded, her nerves getting the best of her.

"Name?" John asked.

"Taylor Atwood" she said. She kept his last name – she wanted to keep a part of him with her forever. She hoped they'd let her keep it – just that tiny little part of him. She hoped that no one would tear it away from her.

"We'll go set everything up for you. Why don't you just take a seat in the waiting area for a little bit?"

She saw the chairs resting against the wall in the shape of a horseshoe and made her way over to them. She chose to sit in the one by the end table. The flowers sitting in the glass vase were fake – there really wasn't any sign of life in this place and she couldn't understand how John and Isaac dealt with it day in and day out. Magazines were strewn across the table in a mess. She hated messes – that was why she came here. She decided to tidy them up and place them in a neat pile – People, Rolling Stone, Flare, Glamour, Time, The Economist – and wondered if people actually read them when they came here or if they had just been strewn about for decoration so that it seemed like there was some life in this place.

She sat back against the chair and tried to relax. She hoped they didn't come back anytime soon. She didn't want a mess. She needed this to play out the way she planned it.

Nothing in her life had turned out the way she planned and she needed to make sure that this did.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"_What are you doing here?" Ryan asked her after pulling her aside._

"_I brought Nate over like you asked" she said, feeling his intense gaze upon her. She didn't look him in the eyes anymore._

"_I didn't think you'd actually come in. You never come in. Why are you here?" he asked coldly._

_She tried not to let him know what he was doing to her. Watching him with his new family was painful enough as it was… but having him talk to her like this was just so painful. She tried, for Nate's sake – she tried to salvage any kind of a relationship with him but he just made it so hard._

"_I bought your daughter a birthday gift" she said, holding out the package she wrapped in pink with a white bow. It was a doll and it was wrapped up perfectly – just like a little four year old princess's gift should be wrapped. "I just… I'm sorry. I saw it and…" she said, avoiding his gaze. She took a deep breath. "I'm sorry."_

_She stared at the box before looking into the crowd at the little girl who sat happily in her mother's lap. She tried not to let it affect her. What had she been thinking? Why did she come here? _

_She remembered being in the store with Nate. He asked her to help him pick out a gift for his little sister and she had been excited about it. It had been a while since they did anything together. She saw the doll – it had auburn locks and blue eyes – and she fell in love with it. She just knew that Lily would have loved it. She picked the doll out for Lily but Nate was with her and she had to give it to Justine. _

"_Take it" she said, focusing on the pink package again after Seth and Summer started looking at her with concerned expressions._

"_Are you staying?" he asked, voice still tinged with ice. She still didn't look at him. She couldn't look at him anymore – not when she knew that Lily would have had his eyes. _

_Sometimes when she'd close her eyes she'd see her little girl. She had his blue eyes and her auburn hair. She was always alone._

"_Take it" she repeated, louder this time. She looked at her hands as they trembled and the box as it rattled._

"_Mom, are you okay?" she heard Nate ask. She turned to look at him. He looked just like his father, only he had her hazel eyes. She was so thankful that he had her eyes._

"_I'm fine. Just take this and make sure your sister gets it" she said with a bright smile and as enthusiastic a voice as she could muster. "I just remembered that I have some things I need to take care of."_

"_It's a Saturday. You don't work on Saturdays" Nate said as he took the gift hesitantly. He was worried about her and she didn't understand why. She was smiling and using her enthusiastic voice. She was fine. Why was he worried about her?_

"_You're spending the weekend here, right?" she asked, choosing to ignore the last thing he said to her._

_He nodded._

"_Bye" she said while giving him a long, tight hug before turning to leave._

"_Mom?" Nate asked, making her freeze and turn back to look at him._

"_Take care. I love you. I'll see you after school on Monday."_

_She smiled at him brightly and nodded._

"_I love you too!" she chirped before turning around again and leaving her ex-husband's home._

"_Wait!" she heard Summer yell after her. "Will you just wait a second?!"_

_She finally stopped once she reached her car and had nowhere else to go. She turned around and faced her best friend._

"_What is it?" she asked._

"_Are you okay?" Summer asked._

_She didn't know whether to tell her the truth – that she wasn't okay and that she was going to stop by the liquor store on her way home and drink herself to sleep so that she wouldn't have to recognize that she was living in the house Ryan built for them all alone – or just lie._

"_I'm peachy, Summer. How are you doing?"_

"_Stop it."_

"_Stop what?"_

"_Shutting me out. You need to talk to someone and Nate told me you aren't seeing your therapist anymore. Why did you stop?"_

"_It's been five years. I'm over it. C'est la vie… we all must move on. I mean… look at him. He moved on. It took him less than a year to move on. Why do you think that I can't move on?" she asked, trying not to lose her patience and slap her best friend._

"_Why aren't you returning any of my phone calls?"_

"_Because you're stupid and repetitive. All you ever do is ask me if I'm okay. I'm okay. I keep telling you that I am freaking okay and you won't leave me alone! I want to be left alone! Can't you get it?! You got your degree from Brown for crying out loud! How can you not get it?!" she yelled. She knew Summer cared about her but she was fine. Why couldn't she and Nate see that they didn't have to worry about her? She was fine._

_She watched as Summer recoiled a bit and Seth stopped a few feet away. She could see Ryan's figure on the porch of his house and knew he heard their conversation. She swallowed and took a deep breath._

"_I'm sorry" she stated calmly. "I just… I'm fine" she said, looking away from Summer and focusing on her trembling hands and the tinkling of her keys._

"_You need help" Summer said._

_She turned to her car and fumbled with her keys as she tried to open the door._

"_Maybe you shouldn't be driving" Seth said. She scratched her car a little before finally managing to get the key in the keyhole._

"_I'm fine. I don't need help and I can drive perfectly fine" she said as she opened the door. "Thank you for your concern though. I really am sorry that I snapped at you. I just get tired of everyone asking me the same thing and pressing me to do something that I don't need or want to do. I love you two so much!" she said before giving Seth a quick hug and then holding Summer tight in a longer one._

"_Take care" Seth said. She locked eyes with him over Summer's shoulder and smiled. "You know that we're here, right?" he asked. "If you ever need anything… don't hesitate to ask. You're always welcome whenever you want. The kids adore you."_

"_I know and I adore them too" she said as she began to pull away from Summer and was slightly surprised when she kept holding on._

"_I love you too!" Summer sniffed. She hugged her back again and let go when she started to pull away. _

_She got into her car, shut the door, started it, and put on her seatbelt. She put the car in drive, checked her surroundings, and hit the gas while smiling at her friends and giving them a little wave before she drove away while trying to avoid looking at the lone figure that still stood on his porch watching her._

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

That was Saturday and today was Monday.

She shook her head as she tried to dispel all thoughts of everything outside this building.

It was just her. She was alone.

She wouldn't be alone for long though… it was only a matter of time.

Everything had become such a huge mess.

She hated messes – that was why she was doing this.


	2. 4:37 PM

**A/N: ** I had to change the rating because of this chapter. There's some smut in here. Although maybe this fic should have been rated **M** from the start because it is dark and not really suitable for kiddies.

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**-2-**

**4:37 PM**

"So, you finally decided to show up?" Lindsay asked as soon as he entered the house. "Nate was wondering where you were this morning. I wasn't sure what to tell him."

He didn't love her. She needed him and at the time being with her was less painful than being with Taylor. She was pregnant and her boyfriend was an abusive asshole. No one knew that Justine wasn't really his – they just thought she took after her mother. She needed him – he didn't divorce Taylor and marry her because he wanted to fill a gaping hole in his life.

"Just tell me that you weren't with her last night" she said. He could hear the plea, desperation, and fear in her voice.

This had been going on for a while now. She was insecure and she kept listing off all of Taylor's faults and accusing him of still harboring feelings for his ex-wife.

"Ryan?"

He couldn't say anything.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

_He rang the doorbell and waited. She didn't answer and he didn't hear anything. He rang the doorbell again and when he still didn't hear anything he lifted the planter on the corner of the deck, removed the spare key he remembered her insisting on placing there and used it to open the door and let himself in. He knew she was home because her car was in the drive._

_Seth told him how she spent her weekends when Nate stayed with him and Lindsay. He and Summer were worried about her but she shut them out. All he knew was that she kept herself locked up in the house and refused to leave or let anyone in on the weekends Nate spent at his house._

_It had been years since he last stepped foot in the house but as soon as he did and closed the door behind him, he felt like he entered a time warp. He noticed that she hadn't changed anything about the house in four years. The same pictures still hung on the walls and one of the two of them on their wedding day still stood in the center of the mantle above the fireplace. With the exception of scattered empty wine bottles, the furniture and decorations were the same – the vase he gave her for their third anniversary still sat on one of the end tables in the living room but instead of housing gardenias or wild flowers they held lilies. The only type of flowers in the house was lilies._

_She wasn't anywhere on the main floor and he was about to head upstairs when she called out to him from the top of the landing. _

"_What are you doing here? You don't live here anymore. How did you get in?" she asked. She didn't look at him; instead she looked over his head._

_He stared at her. She was wearing a satiny red robe tied loosely around her waist and he could see that she was wearing a matching negligee underneath. It fell mid-thigh and even though he willed himself not to look at her legs, he couldn't help himself. Her long, rich auburn hair cascaded down her shoulders and back. She was holding a glass of wine but she didn't appear to be drunk._

"_I got in using the spare key. Nate's worried about you. I noticed all the empty wine bottles Taylor" he said._

"_Is that why you're here? To preach? To tell me how wrong it is for me to drink so much? To tell me that I'm the worst mother in the world? To tell me that I'm a complete and utter failure? I've already told myself all of those things so you can just save your breath and leave" she said as she turned her back to him and began to walk down the hall._

_He noticed the way she never looked at him anymore and tried to stay as far away from him as possible. She tried to avoid all contact and he couldn't blame her because they were divorced but at the same time the fact that she wouldn't even look him in the eyes anymore made him want to scream._

_They had been married. They had a son together. They loved each other._

_He really didn't know how things ended up this way. They drifted apart after they lost Lily. He spent weeks in the hospital and even though the doctors told him that he should take her off life support because she wouldn't be able to make it, he refused to do it. He refused to lose his wife because he had already lost his daughter._

_When she finally woke up he had been ecstatic but the feeling was short lived when she screamed at him and asked him why he kept her alive when their daughter was dead. She started saying things that were insane – things about how she should have died, that it had been her time to die and that he was just being selfish by depriving their daughter of her mother. Things got a bit better after she started seeing her therapist but it was the little things – the way she cringed when he'd touch her, the way she'd sit in the nursery for hours on end and refused to get rid of anything, the way she avoided him, the way her eyes stopped sparkling, and the way she automatically assumed that Lindsay was pregnant with his child because he had been spending time with her, pushed him away as soon as she found out, and refused to hear him out – that made him unable to deal with her anymore._

_He wasn't sure why he was here. After he saw her yesterday and after he overheard everything she said to Summer he just couldn't get her out of his head. They had been married for ten years and it would have been fifteen if they hadn't gotten a divorce._

"_**It's been five years. I'm over it. C'est la vie… we all must move on. I mean… look at him. He moved on. It took him less than a year to move on. Why do you think that I can't move on?"**_

_The words he overheard her say yesterday replayed themselves in his head as he made his way upstairs and noticed that everything on the second level of the house was the same too. When he didn't find her in their bedroom he took in a deep breath and headed to the nursery. _

_He opened the door and found her exactly where he left her all those years ago. She was sitting in the rocking chair, holding onto a stuffed pink bear and staring at the crib with dead eyes. She hadn't gotten rid of anything – everything was the same. He remembered how they picked out the furniture and painted the room together. He remembered assembling the crib and making sure that it was sturdy and safe. He remembered winning the pink bear at a carnival they took Nate to and Taylor saying that it would be perfect for the baby. He remembered how he told her Lindsay was pregnant and she told him to leave, went into the nursery, held onto the pink bear, and rocked herself as she stared at the crib. He remembered leaving her exactly like this._

"_Taylor" he choked out. She hadn't moved on – she was still stuck in the same place and he couldn't help but wonder if it was his fault. Maybe he should have stayed and fought harder instead of letting her win._

"_I thought I told you to leave" she said with her eyes still fixed on the crib._

_They had this conversation before._

"_Taylor…"_

"_Leave!" she said louder and more coldly._

"_No" he said instead of leaving again._

"_It's kind of late for you to decide that you want to stick around. You have a wife, a daughter, a son, a home – everything I can't give you."_

"_He's our son."_

"_She's your daughter and his sister. Nate needs a family. He needs stability and two parents who love him."_

"_He has that."_

"_Yes, he does – with you and your wife" she nodded. He opened his mouth to say something but she started talking again before he could. "He worries about me too much. I'm not sure why. He needs to stop. So does everyone else. You need to leave" she said again, standing and walking over to the crib to place the bear in it._

"_I've already told you that I'm not going to" he said as he walked toward her._

"_And I already told you that it's too late for this" she said as she turned away from him and walked toward the window._

"_Why are you doing this to yourself?" he asked without stepping closer to her. Trying to do so was useless seeing as how she'd just move farther away from him. "It's been five years."_

"_Why didn't you let me go sooner? You could have, you know. Or better yet; why did you marry me in the first place? It's not like you gave a damn about me. Stop acting like you do now. If you cared about me you wouldn't have slept with her and gotten her pregnant when you knew I couldn't have anymore kids" she spat. He was able to see the fire burning in her eyes while tears welled in them through her reflection in the window._

_He walked towards her and stood behind her. He didn't know what to say to her. How was he supposed to just let her die? How was he supposed to tell her that she was the one who pushed him away. She had always been so strong and independent when they were younger but she was broken now. He was the one who broke her. He always knew he wasn't good enough for her and this was just proof. He was the one who did this to her._

"_Taylor" he said as he placed his hand on her back and began to rub it soothingly._

_She jerked away from him, turned and slapped him._

"_Don't touch me!" she hissed while staring at his chest. "You don't get to touch me. We aren't married anymore. You left me, remember? I hate you" she yelled as tears streamed down her cheeks and she began to hit him on his chest with her tiny balled up fists. He didn't move and just let her keep hitting him. She needed this. _

"_You have no idea what it feels like to be absolutely alone… to feel inhuman… to sit back and watch while someone else gives you everything that I can't" she shouted through sobs while she continued to beat his chest._

"_She would have been five years old tomorrow and you… your daughter's fourth birthday was yesterday" she said as her tears subsided. "What are you doing here? Why aren't you at home with your family?" she asked as her lips trembled and she fisted the fabric of his shirt. "You should be at home with your family."_

_He cupped her face and when she didn't pull away from him but closed her eyes instead, he used the pads of his thumbs to wipe her tears away. When she still didn't pull away from him, he wrapped his arms around her and held her close. He inhaled her scent and relished the feel of her body pressed against his – it had been too long since he last held her._

_He finally let go of her after several minutes and cupped her face again. "Look at me" he said to her as he lifted her face up. She shut her eyes, shook her head and tried to get away from him but he didn't let her go. "Taylor, please. Just look at me" he tried again._

"_I can't" she whispered. "Please. Let me go."_

"_Not until you look at me."_

_She struggled to get away from him again but he continued to hold onto her. All he wanted was for her to look at him. _

_She finally stopped before inhaling and exhaling deeply and opening her eyes. She looked down before slowly raising her eyes to meet his._

_Her eyes were darker than he remembered. They didn't sparkle at all anymore. It was almost as if all the light had seeped out of them. He felt a welling pain his chest and all of his breath left his body as he stared into her eyes._

_The expression on her face was set like stone as she tried to feign indifference but her eyes betrayed her – he noticed the way they glazed over before tears began to well in them once again._

_She finally looked away and he took hold of her face in order to kiss her. Her lips remained still as he brushed his own against them gently. He wasn't sure why he was doing it, but all he knew was that he had the overwhelming need to._

_It only took a few seconds for her to start kissing him back. She tasted the same and he still felt that feeling he did when she first kissed him. He pushed his way into her mouth and she let him. She sucked his tongue into her mouth and he couldn't stop his hands from beginning to roam her body and untie her robe before pushing it off her shoulders._

_They broke for air and she stared at him while he gently smoothed his fingers over her skin. She was so soft and even though she shivered under his touch she didn't push him away. If anything, she encouraged him by rubbing her hands over his body and beginning to work on the buttons of his shirt. She was more focused than she used to be, seeing as how she didn't pull his shirt apart. He kissed her again, burying his hands in her hair in order to gain better access to her mouth, and she kissed him back while smoothing her hands down the bare skin of his chest to his belt and beginning to undo it._

_Before she could actually do so, he broke away from her, lifted her into his arms and took her to their bedroom. He laid her down on their bed gently, kicked off his socks and shoes, and moved over her before kissing her again. The faint taste of wine lingered on her breath but it didn't matter because the taste of her was overwhelming and addictive. He couldn't believe that he had gone on for so many years without her._

_She began to work on his belt again while he began to trail kisses along her jaw and stopped at the special place below her ear before mouthing and sucking it. She moaned and arched her body into him before unbuttoning and unzipping his pants. He moved down to her neck and began to trail kisses over her shoulders as he pushed the straps of her negligee off of them. _

_He held his breath as he pushed the red fabric lower. Her rosy nipples were hard and she buried her hands in his hair as he took one of them into his mouth and began to suck and nip at it before doing the same to the other. _

_He finally stopped when she thrust her hips upward and began to slide her soft fingers under the waistband of his boxers. He continued to slide the negligee down her body, planting kisses on her soft skin along the way. He flicked his tongue in an out of her navel and enjoyed the sound of her gasps._

_He pulled her matching silk panties down with the garment and tossed it on the floor before quickly ridding himself of his pants and boxers, adding them to the pile, and settling himself over her once again. He raked his eyes over her naked form slowly and appreciated the fact that all of the details that had been engraved into his memory were the same. _

_He ran his fingers over her sex before rubbing circles around her clit and making sure that she was wet while he kissed her. He moaned into her mouth as she took hold of him in her soft hands and began to stroke his length and massage his balls. Her hands were soft and tight around him as she worked on him in that way he loved and missed so much._

_Their lips parted and she let go of him before spreading her legs wider to give him unlimited access to her core. He positioned himself at the beginning of her entrance before leaning down on his forearms and snaking his hands under her shoulders so that he could cup her head and bury his hands in her hair._

_She stared up at him and he moved his hips forward and entered her slowly. She was so hot, wet, slick, and tight. She was too tight. The look in her eyes and expression on her face told him that she hadn't been with anyone since him. She closed her eyes and he kissed away her tears while giving them both a few moments to get used to the feel of being together again._

_She kissed him when she was ready and he began to move his hips slowly and languidly. She wrapped her legs around his waist and began to work with him while he started kissing her breasts and sucking on her nipples. She began writhing and mewling after no more than ten thrusts and he felt her tighten around him. She arched her back and threw her head back while scratching him and digging her nails into his shoulders and back._

"_Look at me" he whispered as he continued to thrust himself in and out of her slowly._

_She complied and he stared into her hazel eyes as she tightened around him more and began to chant his name. He saw a tiny flicker of light in her eyes that kept growing as he kept moving. Her eyes sparkled brightly as she called out his name and he stilled his movements in order to let her ride out her orgasm. _

_The light in her eyes slowly began to fade and he started to move once more because he felt the overwhelming need to see it again. She smoothed her hands over his back and shoulders before burying her fingers in his hair and pulling his head down so that she could kiss him tenderly and he kissed her back the same way._

_He enjoyed the way it felt to be with her again. She was so warm. Her breasts pressed against his chest as he moved in and out of her tight, warm, wet depths and her legs and arms were wrapped around his body. It was as if they were fused together and he didn't want it to end._

_He could feel her tightening around him again and he gripped her hair tightly for a split second in order to tell her that he wanted her to open her eyes and look at him. She opened them and he could see the hesitation, fear, and guilt inside them. He shook his head at her, trying to tell her that it was okay. She seemed to get the message because she relaxed and just let her body take over. He was able to see that small flicker of light in her eyes again and he watched with amazement and awe as it kept growing before she arched her back and moaned. He stilled his movements once again and watched as her hazel orbs sparkled while she rode out the waves of yet another orgasm._

_When she was ready again, she kissed him and thrust her hips upward. They began to move with each other again and he tried to memorize everything about the way it felt – her soft hands running through his hair and over his body, her body in his arms, her soft hair in between his fingers, her luscious breasts against his chest, her folds enveloping him, her slender legs wrapped around his waist, and her hazel orbs looking up at him intently._

_It wasn't too long before she began to tighten around him again and he felt his stomach clench. She arched her back and he began to thrust into her deeper and harder while keeping the same pace. She moaned loudly in response to the change and he felt her tightening around him even more. He stared into her eyes and watched the light reappear. They began to chant each other's names and he spilled himself inside her when he took in her sparkling hazel eyes._

_He tried to keep himself up so that he could stare into her orbs a bit longer but just couldn't do it. He fell on top of her and took a few moments to catch his breath before rolling off of her and to her side. _

_Her eyes were closed and he stared at the rise and fall of her chest while trying to put his own under control. He reached over and smoothed his hand over her soft skin before pulling her close to him and wrapping his arms around her. He lifted her chin, kissed her tenderly on the lips and she reciprocated. When they broke for air, she buried her face in the crook of his neck and he felt her breathing become increasingly shallow until she finally fell asleep. She was so tiny and fragile. He pulled the covers over them and just held her tightly._

_He woke up and watched her sleep peacefully for about an hour before brushing her soft auburn hair out of her face and placing a light kiss on her forehead, nose and lips. She stirred slightly but she didn't wake up and he was thankful for it because he needed to sort things out with Lindsay before he and Taylor talked about what all of this meant._

_He got out of bed, made his way to his closet and wasn't surprised to find everything he left behind still there waiting for him. He grabbed some clothes as well as a towel, and showered before watching her sleep peacefully for a few more minutes and leaving for work so that he could think things through._

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

That was this morning and he barely got anything done at work because all he had been doing was thinking things through and trying to make sense of it all.

"What are we doing?" Lindsay asked.

He didn't know. He had no idea what was going on anymore. Everything was a mess. Everything was so much more messed up than it had been five years ago. He wished he could just turn back the clocks and keep Taylor home from work that day so that she never got into the accident.

"Do you love her?" she asked.

He didn't know what to say.

"You still love her, don't you?" she asked.

He stared at her.

"You always loved her, didn't you?" she asked, eyes welling with tears while her voice tried not to let any of it slip.

He averted his gaze from her and focused on the doll sitting on the sofa – the one Taylor gave Justine.

"You were just using me and Justine to get over everything that you had lost… weren't you?" she asked again.

His phone went off and he closed his eyes tightly before silently thanking whoever was watching for giving him an excuse to get away from this.

"Answer me!" she nearly shouted.

"It's Nate. I need to take this" he said as he began to walk away from her. "Hello" he said into the phone after opening it and bringing it to his ear.

"Dad" Nate breathed shakily. Something was off.

"Nate, what is it? What's wrong?"

"I didn't know who else to call" he had never heard his son sound so desperate before. "I don't… I don't… I don't know what to do."

"Where's your mother? Isn't she normally home by the time you get there?"

"That's the thing… she wasn't home and I checked the answering machine and… and…"

"And what?" he was trying not to freak out. His son didn't need him to freak out but he knew something was terribly wrong. Nate never acted like this… he never stuttered or got this upset.

"Mom's at the morgue."

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**A/N: **Yays for dark-fic! **OR** Boos for dark-fic! **?** (pick one)


	3. 10:42 AM

**A/N: **Those of you who can't cope with character deaths should probably stop reading now. I don't think I warned you about this being a death-fic, but I did let you know that it was a dark-fic and since death is a part of darkness… voila.

This is the last chapter but there is an epilogue which I will be posting sometime next week.

I want to thank everyone who has been reviewing. I greatly appreciate it. You provide me with a lot of encouragement and I love it when you let me know what you think.

Please review – even if you hate me after this.

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**-3-**

**10:42 AM**

"Excuse me ma'am" John said as he approached her.

Crap. She was hoping that they wouldn't come back for a while. She casually turned the envelope in her lap over so that they wouldn't see who she was addressing it to.

"Yes?" she asked, trying not to make any of the excruciating pain she was going through evident.

"We don't have anyone by the name of Taylor Atwood in this morgue. Maybe you got the names mixed up or…" John started.

"Oh. No" she said. "My name is Taylor Atwood. I'm so sorry… I just…" she was finding it harder and harder to talk as her mind became fuzzy and her lungs constricted.

"It's okay. You're probably just under a lot of stress. Can you tell us the name of the person that you have to view?" Isaac asked while John looked at her curiously.

"Yes" she had to come up with something fast. She needed to come up with the most generic name she could think of. "Bob Smith" she said, hoping they wouldn't ask her any more questions. It was starting to become really hard to breathe.

"Alright Taylor. We'll go set things up. Do you need water or anything?" Isaac asked. She thought it was sweet that he remembered her name but shook her head at him in response. He was a nice man and handsome – with green eyes, sandy blond hair, and chiseled features. Who knows? Maybe something could have happened if her life hadn't turned out the way it had.

John turned and retreated to one of the rooms in the back and Isaac gave her a small smile before following his colleague.

When they were out of sight she closed her eyes tightly and willed herself not to gag or gasp for air but to find a calm place within her that she could focus on before turning the envelope over and continuing to write their names on it with the neatest printing that she could.

Her trembling hands made it hard but she managed to write legibly. She was thankful of the fact because she hated messes and messy things.

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"I swear. There's something up with that woman" John said as soon as Isaac joined him.

"She's just stressed out" Isaac said.

"Yeah. I think the fact that you have the hots for her is clouding your judgment" John shot back.

"I don't know what you're talking about" Isaac said blankly.

"You referred to her by her first name. When you're in a profession like the one we're in, that kind of gives it away. She may be hot but she's weird and you don't even know if she's married or not so stop looking at her like that."

"She wasn't wearing a ring."

"Case in point."

"She's grieving. Is it wrong for me to be nice to her?"

"No. But it is wrong for you to check out her rack and see if she's wearing a ring on her finger" John said. "There is no Bob Smith in here. Either this woman got the morgues mixed up or she's insane."

"And we've got a winner" Isaac announced.

"Bob Smith?"

"Robert Smith" Isaac nodded as he went over to the drawer and opened it to reveal a balding man in his forties.

"Couldn't be her father. You don't think…?"

"Her last name is Atwood, not Smith" Isaac replied. "Plus, she wasn't wearing a ring."

"Yeah, whatever" John said as he rolled his eyes. "Let's just get this guy set up."

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She held onto the letters with one hand and a picture of Nate, Ryan, and herself taken the night before the accident with the other. She was holding Nate's hand and one of Ryan's arms was wrapped around her protectively with his hand resting on her protruding belly and her own hand resting on top of it, while his other one rested on Nate's shoulder.

She inhaled slowly and calmly. She tried to ignore all of her urges to gasp for air, scream, or call for help. She tried to still the movement of her trembling hands as she held onto the letters and the picture with a vice like grip. She tried to ignore her body and just focus on her thoughts.

She woke up alone this morning.

She hadn't been surprised. He had left her before. She knew she shouldn't have given in but when she finally looked into his eyes despite the ice cold tone of his voice she realized his voice hadn't been marred by coldness or his hatred of her for all these years. Worry and concern shaded his eyes – just like Nate's, Seth's and Summer's, but also different than theirs.

It confused her.

He was married to someone else. He had a _daughter _with _someone else_.

He didn't care about her. He didn't love her.

She wondered if he ever really loved her.

She wanted to pull away from him but then he kissed her and she froze before she melted – just like the first time he kissed her.

His hands were on her skin, fingers softly stroking places that had been left untouched by anyone but herself for so long, and she felt electric shocks coursing through her body – awakening her and making her feel alive again. She got wrapped up in it all and just couldn't help herself – she couldn't push him away.

He left again anyways.

She stared at the picture and the smiles on everyone's faces.

She exhaled slowly and calmly before inhaling again.

If only she hadn't gone into work the next day.

She hadn't been feeling well.

If only she had listened to Ryan and stayed home instead of going into work – she wouldn't have been hit by a truck, she wouldn't have spent weeks on life support, she wouldn't have woken up to find out that she'd lost her daughter, she wouldn't have had to find out that she could never have any more kids, she wouldn't have had to live through her husband leaving her for another woman and watch as she gave him everything that she couldn't.

She exhaled slowly and inhaled again, trying not to choke on tears that threatened to spill.

Breathing was difficult enough as it was – the last thing she needed was to make this even more difficult for herself.

Everything was such a huge mess. She had to clean it all up.

She needed to do this and for it to go off without a hitch because things would just get messier if this didn't happen the way it was supposed to.

She calmed herself down and placed the picture and letters in her lap before digging into her purse for her compact. She made sure her mascara and eyeliner weren't running and that none of her makeup was smudged before closing the compact and putting it back in her purse. She took hold of the pictures and letters again but didn't hold onto them as tightly as she had been before.

Memories floated through her head.

She remembered playing with her mother and father on the beach when she was four.

She remembered standing by the door holding onto her teddy bear and crying while she listened to her mother sobbing upstairs and watched her father throw his suitcases in the trunk of his car before driving off and never looking back when she was six.

She remembered her mother telling her that she was ugly and would never be good enough to have friends or make any man love her when she was thirteen.

She remembered losing her virginity to a senior who told everyone about it the next day when she was fourteen.

She remembered being called Dorksend and having kids laugh at her when she was fifteen.

She remembered becoming friends with Seth and Summer when she was seventeen.

She remembered marrying Henri Michel because she felt more alone and lost than ever before when she was eighteen.

She remembered falling in love with Ryan when she was nineteen.

She remembered looking into Ryan's deep blue eyes and exchanging vows where they promised to love, honor, and cherish each other until death parted them when she was twenty-three.

She remembered bringing Nate home to the house Ryan designed and had built for their family when she was twenty-four.

She remembered Ryan smiling at her brightly after she told him that she was pregnant again when she was thirty-three.

She remembered waking up from a coma and being told that she lost her daughter and would never be able to have kids again when she was thirty-four.

She remembered hearing Ryan tell her that Lindsay was pregnant, going into the nursery and staring at her daughter's empty crib, hearing him zip up his suitcases, hearing the front door shut when he walked out, and hearing his jeep start up before he drove away and never looked back when she was thirty-five.

She remembered telling Nate, Seth, and Summer that she loved them on Saturday.

She remembered placing fresh lilies on Lily's grave this morning.

She slowly exhaled as she remembered staring into Ryan's deep blue eyes last night before she closed her own and embraced the darkness.

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"Taylor, everything's set up for you" Isaac said without looking up from his clipboard as he reentered the waiting area.

He finally looked up when he didn't hear anything and saw her sitting back in one of the chairs with her eyes closed and sleeping peacefully. He couldn't help but smile at the sight. She looked beautiful.

"What's the hold up?" John asked as he entered the room.

"She fell asleep" Isaac said before walking over to her. "Taylor" he said before tapping her shoulder.

"I guess she's a heavy sleeper, huh?" John said before he walked over.

"Taylor" Isaac tried again, tapping her harder.

John rolled his eyes at his colleague. "Ms. Atwood… we're done setting everything up for you" John said loudly before taking hold of both her shoulders and shaking her.

"What the hell, John? Be gentle with her."

Her head slumped forward and her arms fell to her sides.

"Shit" John whispered before pushing her limp body back into the seat and checking for a pulse.

"What is it?" Isaac asked as he collected the things that fell from her hands off the floor. He studied the picture and the sealed envelope addressed to someone by the name of Ryan Atwood curiously and his eyes widened when he saw who the second letter was addressed to.

"She's dead" John whispered.

Isaac handed the letter addressed to John and himself to his colleague and took in the image of the limp auburn haired beauty. He double checked to make sure that she didn't have a pulse while John tore the envelope open and read the letter he found inside.

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

_Isaac and John,_

_As I mentioned before, my name is Taylor Atwood. I hope I didn't cause you any inconvenience. If anything, I was just trying to inconvenience less people. You see, when one decides to dispose of themselves they often create a mess and hassle others by making them clean it up. I figured that I'd spare some people from having to clean up my mess by spending my last moments here. _

_I do not want an autopsy to be conducted on me. I stole (not really, since I did leave money for it) cyanide and diazepam from the hospital and ingested it before I came in here. Some of the cocktail is still in my car as I didn't have time to dispose of it and wasn't really sure how to._

_It was nice meeting you. Thank you for being so kind to me in the last moments of my life. You were both very patient and helpful._

_Thanks in advance for taking care of my body._

_Taylor_

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

"I told you she was insane" John said to Isaac before he handed him the letter.


	4. Epilogue

**A/N:** It's over. Thanks for all the awesome support folks – it means more than you could possibly know.

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

**EPILOGUE**

Taylor looked around before seeing Lily in the distance, running to her, falling to her knees and wrapping her daughter up in a warm, tight hug.

"Oh, Lily… I missed you so much!" she sighed.

"I missed you too, Mommy!" her little angel said to her as she buried her head in the crook of her neck. They remained like that for a few moments, just holding onto each other.

"Mommy?"

"Yes, baby?"

"What took you so long? I was waiting for you."

"Well I had to take care of your big brother a bit longer. He doesn't have any angels looking after him like you do."

"Is he going to be okay?"

"Yes. Daddy's with him."

"Is Daddy going to be okay?"

Taylor nodded.

"I'm sorry I made such a big mess. I know you don't like messes."

"What are you talking about? You didn't make any mess."

"Yes I did. I watched all of you. You and Daddy got a divorce because of me and then Nate got all sad. Now you left them to be with me and they're even sadder."

"Sweetie, they have each other. They'll be fine."

"That's what I thought."

"They have each other and you have me" Taylor said before giving her daughter a kiss on her forehead. "So, are you going to show me around?" she asked.

Lily smiled at her mom and nodded. Taylor stood, smoothed down the skirt of her white dress and took Lily's hand. They smiled at each other once again before Lily began to guide her mother through the thick white haze.

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Ryan stared at the casket.

He didn't want to be here – more than he didn't want to go to Marissa's funeral.

He couldn't help but see the irony in the situation: she breathed life back into him after Marissa's death and now she was…

He continued to stare at the casket.

He was here because she told him that he needed to be there for their son. He pulled out the letter she wrote for him and reread it.

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

_Ryan,_

_We can't turn back time. Everything that happened between us cannot be undone._

_I need to look after our daughter and I need you to look after our son. _

_Please do two last things for me: _

_Bury me next to our little girl._

_Let me keep your name forever._

_Taylor_

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

The morticians had found her clutching two letters – one addressed to them and the other to him – and a picture taken the night before the accident. She stole cyanide and diazepam from the hospital and ingested the cocktail before entering the morgue. She chose to die in a morgue because she didn't want to make a mess and inconvenience people by leaving it for them to clean up. She didn't want an autopsy to be conducted on her and thanked the morticians in advance for taking care of her body.

He was angry at her. He was so angry at her for doing this. He didn't understand how she could do it to herself, to Nate, or to him.

But the anger was short lived when he remembered everything that was written in her diary – all of her deepest and most personal thoughts. Remembering just made him angry with himself. It made him hate himself.

He made his way to her casket and felt his breath leave him once he took in her flowing auburn locks and beautiful face. She looked like she was sleeping. It reminded him of the last time he saw her alive – sleeping so peacefully. He hadn't seen her look so peaceful in years. He ached to touch her soft skin and kiss her supple pink lips just one last time but held himself back.

She wasn't his.

She wasn't his wife – his wife was lingering in the crowd and watching his every move despite the fact that they currently weren't speaking to each other.

He didn't know how he could have left her – not once, but twice. He shouldn't have left her alone that morning… not when he knew what day it was.

Nate was beyond upset. He managed to get his hands on her diary and broke down when he read it. He hated him. His son hated him and he deserved every last bit of it.

"Ryan" he heard Seth say. "How are you holding up? You need anything?"

Ryan tore his eyes away from her flawless form and turned to face his brother.

"I'm fine" he said. "It's not like we were still married."

Seth shot him a look that told him that he didn't buy what he just said. If he didn't believe the words coming out of his mouth how could he expect anyone else to?

He watched as his brother looked at her and pursed his lips. "You know, that day when she hugged me and Summer before she left… it was like she was saying goodbye."

Nate was staying with him and Summer. His son didn't want anything to do with him. He blamed him for his mother's actions.

He blamed himself for her actions.

"It isn't your fault" Seth whispered. "Everyone tried to help her. She just…"

"Don't" he whispered back coldly. He'd already heard enough about how 'insane' Taylor was from Lindsay. He couldn't deal with it anymore. How did it come to this? No one tried to help her… they all just called her crazy and forked her off on therapists. All she ever needed was to be loved… all she ever wanted was to make him happy.

Nate was right. This was his fault.

He watched as his son stayed to himself throughout the entire service. Lindsay tried to talk to him but he glared at her and walked away. He made the fact that he didn't want her to be there obvious. He made the fact that he didn't want him to be there even more obvious.

He didn't take the easy road and leave though. He knew Taylor would have wanted him to be there for their son and not give up… even if he was pushing him away. She wouldn't have wanted him to give up on their son like he gave up on her.

So he stayed throughout the entire service and went to the burial.

He noticed the fresh lilies on their daughter's grave and knew that she had been the one to put them there. She always put them there. She was the only one who cared enough to remember.

He stared at her tombstone, unsure of what to think or how to feel.

_TAYLOR ATWOOD_

_BELOVED MOTHER_

_AND FRIEND_

When her parents had been informed of her death they didn't care. Neither of them bothered to show up.

Taylor Atwood – beloved mother and friend.

He stared at the tombstone before letting his eyes drift to the earth that covered her casket – he was never going to see her again. He was never going to be able to talk to her again. He was never going to be able to feel her or hold her again. He was never going to be able to let her know what she meant to him.

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Lily guided her past the haze and into a lot with green grass. She was able to make out gray tombstones in the distance and froze.

"What's wrong Mommy?" Lily looked up at her and asked.

"Why did you bring me here?" she asked her daughter.

"I thought you'd want to see" she said with innocent blue eyes. "Do you want to go back?" she asked.

She was able to make out familiar figures in the distance huddling around a fresh grave.

"No… I want to see" she said as she held her daughter's hand tighter and began to walk toward the cluster of people dressed in black.

Everyone looked so sad.

She walked around the headstone in order to take a look at it and smiled when she saw that it was beside Lily's. Her smile grew when she read it. Ryan did what she asked him to.

She walked back to where Lily stood behind the headstone and watched everyone.

A teary eyed Julie and Frank were the first to leave.

Bullitt patted Kaitlin on the shoulder before leaving and she continued to stare at the headstone for a few more moments before she and her husband left together.

Sophie sniffled before turning to her best friend. Justin wrapped his arm around her comfortingly and they left together.

Lindsay smoothed her hand over Ryan's arm and he shrugged her off without hesitation.

Kirsten noticed and her teary eyes shifted from her son to the two headstones and she sniffled before turning to Sandy. He exhaled deeply and fought to contain his own tears as he wrapped his arm around her. Kirsten patted her sister on the shoulder before she and her husband turned to leave.

Lindsay shot Ryan a look that he ignored and left with Sandy and Kirsten.

Seth, Summer, Ryan and Nate stood and stared at the headstone.

Seth shoved his hands in the pocket of his jacket and pursed his lips as his eyes shifted between the two headstones, his wife, brother, and nephew. He took a few steps back and quickly wiped away a stray tear before looking at the ground. There had already been too many people he knew buried in this cemetery – his grandmother, his grandfather, Marissa, and Lily.

He looked back up when he heard Summer let out a sob. Ryan and Nate continued to stare at the headstone while Seth moved forward and wrapped his arms around her. Her makeup had been perfect and she doubted that she had cried until now because tears continued to roll down her cheeks freely and she started to shake. He held her tightly as she continued to shake from her sobs.

"Do you want to leave now?" Seth asked her.

Summer buried her face in his chest and nodded.

"Nate" Seth said, making her son turn to look at him. "We'll meet you at the car."

Nate nodded and Seth and Summer left.

What? Why was Nate going with Seth and Summer? Why wasn't he leaving with Ryan?

"Nate…" Ryan started quietly when Seth and Summer were far enough to not be able to hear.

"Don't" Nate said.

"We need to talk things through" Ryan said.

"Except now isn't the time and you don't talk much" Nate said coldly.

Why was he so angry? What did Ryan do?

"That's not…" Ryan started.

"What? True? Mom seemed to think so… you read her journal too."

What? No… No one was supposed to read her journal. It was hers. It was full of all her thoughts and things that she never told anyone.

He shook his head. "She wouldn't have wanted us to read it."

"Well, we did. She's dead. What difference does it make? It's not like she'll ever know" Nate shrugged, feigning nonchalance.

"There are things that you don't know… that you wouldn't be able to understand" Ryan sighed.

"What is there to understand?" Nate asked. "She thought I didn't need her because of you and your family. They're your family – not mine. Lindsay will never be my mother and Justine will never be my sister. I never met my sister and my mother is dead because of you. I don't want anything to do with you. I didn't want anything to do with you when you walked out on us… but she made me… I did it for her. She's not around anymore and it's your fault. Stay the hell away from me" Nate said before walking away from Ryan and heading for the car where Seth and Summer waited for him.

"Oh my God… what have I done?" Taylor asked no one in particular as she took in the image of Ryan staring at her headstone with tears rolling down his cheeks. She had never seen him cry before. He never cried in front of her and she wanted to turn away from him and not watch but she couldn't. "I just created a bigger mess."

"I don't know how you dealt with the wine, Tay" he said as he stared at the tombstone and pulled out a flask. "It doesn't do anything for me" he said as he unscrewed the lid. "I need the hard stuff." He took a couple of sips before closing the flask and placing it back in his jacket.

She watched as Ryan fell to the ground and began to sob uncontrollably. "I'm so sorry, Tay" he said between sobs.

She knelt beside him and tried to wipe his tears away.

"You can't Mommy… we can see them but we can't touch them" Lily said.

"It's all my fault… I'm so sorry" he continued to sob.

"No. Stop Ry. It's okay. It's not your fault" Taylor said as tears began to spill down her cheeks. She hated seeing him like this. "Please stop."

"They can't hear us either Mommy" Lily said as she stepped forward and stood beside her mom and dad.

"Oh God, I'm so sorry Ry!" she whispered through her tears.

"I'm so… so sorry, Tay" Ryan continued to sob.

"Mommy?" Lily asked softly, causing Taylor to turn to her. "Maybe we should go."

Taylor wrapped her arms around her little girl and watched as Ryan continued to sob.

"Yeah" she whispered as she wiped her tears away. "Things will get better for them. They're going to sort things out and be happy. They have each other" Taylor said as she stood, smoothed down the skirt of her dress, took her daughter's hand and turned away from Ryan in order to reenter the white haze.

Lily looked up at her mother skeptically – she had seen enough to know better. After all, she had thought the same thing not too long ago. Some messes were just too hard to clean up.


End file.
